Boundaries

Posted on July 1st, 2009

“When you do not set healthy boundaries for yourself you are inviting people to ignore your needs.”
Oprah

boundariesCreating a fine line between what you will and won’t accept into your life saves you from miscommunication, heartache, and that feeling of overwhelm from saying yes too often and no too little. Everything you let into your space can have a ripple effect into your whole life. What you say yes and no to today will have an effect tomorrow.

If we don’t have clear, healthy boundaries, we end up with draining relationships, unrealistic workloads, and unhealthy bodies and minds. First we need to decide what is healthy for us and what is not. From what foods you want to ingest into your body, to what you want to spend your time and energy on, to what quality of relationships you want in your life.

For example, what do you want to give and receive from a friendship? If you want friends that are fun and supportive, but you have friends who are negative and critical, then you either haven’t defined your boundaries or you’ve broken them. No one can define your boundaries for you, and no one can cross them without your permission on some level. Do you subscribe to the ‘once bitten, twice shy’ model, or the ‘three strikes you’re out’, or the ‘I’m a welcome matt, wipe your dirty feet on me as you enter’?

It’s not always easy to set a clear boundary, especially when the pros and cons of a situation, a relationship or a job are about even. You want the pros, but at what cost? Each of us has a breaking point, and the clearer we are about where that fine line ends the sooner we can let go of what no longer serves us and open up to healthier experiences.

Insights in Boundaries

♦ Review the important areas of your life such as relationships, finances, work, physical, mental and emotion health, and so on to determine how satisfied you are in each area.

♦ With the areas you feel satisfied, notice where you’re boundaries are being honored. These may be boundaries you were not aware of, but are intrinsic to your values, such as having honesty in a relationship, fun with friends, rewarding work, eating nutritious foods, spending time on what is important to you, and so on. Congratulate yourself!

♦ With the areas you feel unsatisfied, notice where you either have unclear boundaries or you have allowed a situation or person to cross your boundaries. What are you saying yes to and what are you saying no to (like saying yes to someone or something else and no to yourself)? What’s at stake for you to set and honor your boundaries? What will it take to set clear boundaries?

Inspiration for Creating Healthy Boundaries

♦ With the important areas of your life where you are satisfied, identify the boundaries you’ve created within those. This will help you to make choices in the future. As you set your intention to attract new people and experiences into your life (i.e. a new job, friendship, goal etc.) use your boundaries list as a way to define what you want in your life. Whenever you have a decision to make, ask yourself whether it honors your boundaries or not.

♦ With the important areas of your life where you are not satisfied, make a list of what boundaries you haven’t set and/or which ones have been crossed. Determine what boundaries you need to set and how you will do that. Instead of getting caught in blame or victimhood, simply redefine your boundaries and move forward.

♦ If you are unclear or nervous about setting a new boundary, try this guided imagery exercise as a way to gain clarity and confidence. Sit in a comfortable position with your eyes closed. Take a few relaxing breaths and move all of your awareness into the center of your head, a few inches back from your forehead. Imagine the situation where you would like to create a healthier boundary. Notice any feelings of discomfort arise and simply feel them and breathe them out. Breathe in relaxation and as much amusement as you can as you look at this situation. Let yourself see clearly what it will cost you if you don’t set a healthy boundary. Ask your highest self what boundary needs to be set. Imagine this boundary has been set and notice the positive results. Even if it means ending a relationship or job etc. which would be sad for you, see the benefits down the road. Move past any fear or doubt and feel the relief, freedom, joy or whatever comes up as a result of honoring yourself and your boundaries.

You might also find the article, Aura and Energy Boundaries, helpful for setting energetic boundaries around your personal space.


Transformational Audio Courses by Gini Grey:


~ Balance Your Energy


~ Living In Abundance


~ Energy Healing Meditation


~ Complimentary Audio on Compassion



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6 Responses to “Boundaries”

  1. Laurie PK Says:
    July 3rd, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    This is great, Gini — I think it’s so important to set and honour our own boundaries. It’s difficult at first, I think, but becomes a healthy habit.

    I’d also suggest practicing your “boundary talk” with an objective friend or family member. When I need to stand up for myself or set a boundary, it helps to have role played it first. Not even a serious role play, just a “this is what’s happening, this is what I want to see happen, and this is what I want to say.” I like getting rational feedback :-)

    Hope all is well with you. Looking forward to writing group!

    Laurie

  2. ginigrey Says:
    July 4th, 2009 at 11:21 am

    Thanks for that suggestion Laurie - role playing it out or talking to someone about what you want to say around setting a boundary is a great idea.

    Thanks for sharing,

    Gini

  3. Lisa Says:
    November 9th, 2010 at 10:53 am

    I always am diong stuff for other’s until i wear myself downand getso tired how can i tell ppl no?I also help my son out with his cars when they break down and giveh im money and I go with outI cant say no to him or to anyone,if he needs a ride,or what ever,i have no energy for my husbands wants and needs and it is puttinga strain on us,also i give until we have harldy any money to makesure our son is alright with rent and what nots, plz give me some help on this if ya could.

  4. Gini Grey Says:
    November 9th, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Hello Lisa,

    It’s great that you realize your energy is being drained by not having clear boundaries with your time spent on others. I know how hard it can be to say “no” to loved ones. I’ve been there too. What I found helpful was to explore my underlying feelings that come up when I think of saying “no”.

    So imagine your son is asking for a favor or money etc. and imagine saying “no”. Notice what gets triggered within you. Is it feelings of guilt? Worries about what will happen to him if you say “no”? Just be with those feelings until they subside.

    Then focus on the negative aspect of always saying yes to others. You know what it costs you - your time, energy etc. but think about what it costs others. When we keep helping others out they don’t learn to help themselves and they become dependant on us and others. Saying “no” is a gift you can give them (even though they won’t see it at the time and might be angry at you, they will see it later).

    I had a boyfriend in my 20’s who was constantly needing financial help - I would help him pay his rent etc. and when we stopped dating (but remained friends) his mom or another girlfriend would bail him out financially. It wasn’t until everyone stopped, that he finally started to become more self-responsible (he had to bottom out and struggle a bit, but he learned and is much happier now for it). Trust that your son has the inner resources to take care of himself if given a chance.

    You might need to have a heart to heart talk with your son explaining that you don’t think it is in you or his benefit to keep helping him out financially so you are going to stop. He may be upset, but your love for him and his love for you will soothe his hurt over time.

    If you are a spiritual person, ask the God of your heart to support you in letting go of being over-responsible with your son, and ask the God of your heart (or your son’s guardian angels) to help him learn how to take financial care of himself.

    Imagine how good you will feel when you start to put your energy back into your own life - it will be a gift to yourself and others. Start practicing it today. Say “no” to others as often as possible for practice. Start saying “yes” to yourself every day. Money that you would give to your son, spend on yourself. Give your son a chance to grow up - the sooner he learns this, the better off he’ll be.

    I hope this helps - take care,

    Gini

  5. lisa Says:
    November 27th, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    I do feel guilty when i tell him no,and he has a gf and she has a child and she doesnt work and so he trys to take care of them and I cant see them out on the street well I know they would come here becasue I am the person they know wouldnt let them suffer,I just dont know what the heck to do ,my husband b***hes at me all the time and hasa fit like when my son’s vehicle broke down he needed to use our’s so we said yes WE said yes then a deer hits our vehicle while in his possession and all i heard was balhbahlbaahblabhahbal I dont know,I feel as though I just want to runaway from the entire mess,but i know i cant i have to many ppl to take care of and I never take care of myself i am on the back burner to everything and everyone else.

  6. Gini Grey Says:
    November 29th, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Hello Lisa,

    I can totally understand that you would feel like running away from it all - it is a mess. But the fact that you are looking at it means you are ready to make a change within yourself that will lead to healthy changes without.

    I really believe that if you spend time each day consciously loving yourself (in whatever way works for you - through meditating on self-love, pampering yourself with a bubble bath, taking yourself for a walk in nature without focusing on anyone else, etc), you will feel less guilty about setting boundaries with your son, and you will see that by setting boundaries you are loving yourself and setting a healthy example for your son.

    Remember, Lisa, you are not responsible for anyone else’s life but your own. Each of us is a spiritual being with our own life journey to experience (including making mistakes and learning from them - if others allow us to face the consequences so we can learn). As you love and take care of yourself, others will learn to do the same (because if you don’t and you continue to care for everyone else first, they don’t have to learn to take care of themselves - think of the instructions you get when on a plane - put your oxygen mask on first before helping your child. Also think of mother birds - they kick their babies out of the nest so they can learn to fly).

    My suggestion (in addition to actively loving yourself each and every day - make a commitment to do this) is to feel the guilt and say “no” anyway (similar to the saying “feel the fear and do it anyway).

    Blessings,

    Gini

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